Where Does Love Go After It Ends?
My first love, my first lost
It’s a cold, dark, rainy February evening, and I’m on my way to my girlfriend’s apartment for the last time.
I’m wearing my favourite leather boots, my favourite Japanese denim, and my favourite wool blazer. I chose my toughest armor for what feels like a forlorn hope.
On the walk to the subway, I’m playing the soundtrack from the first Lord of the Rings movie, specifically the song that plays when the Fellowship falls apart. A fitting song for the occasion, I put it on repeat.
As I’m sitting on the G train, I replay some of our best moments together. I think back to how we first met.
The Best Birthday Present Ever
April 21st 2025. I remember the exact day we first met because it was on my 28th birthday.
I hosted a birthday picnic in McCarren Park with around 60 of my friends. It was the first beautiful Spring day in NYC so the entire city seemed to be at a picnic. By the time we wrapped up in the late afternoon, my tongue was dry from speaking, my legs were sore from standing, and my stomach was rumbling. Let’s grab dinner, then I’ll call it an early night. That was the plan.
We wandered around the neighborhood and decided on Pusu, my friend’s favourite vegetarian spot (or former vegetarian spot cause they added meat to the menu, causing backlash amongst its customers).
As soon as we were seated, a girl in a red dress approached our table. She knew two of my friends, so she came over to say hi.
“Hi!” She smiles at me and introduces herself.
I could feel my heart rate pick up. My breathing got quicker. For a second, I almost forgot my own name.
“Hi, I’m James.”
She then told us that her group’s going home after dinner, and if we’re going out to let her know. My friend suggested karaoke.
“I’m down,” she said.
“I’m down too,” I added.
“Didn’t you just say you were going home?” One of my friends asked.
“I’m not tired anymore,” I smiled.
At Karaoke, I sat right next to her. I get up close to her, “So where’s home for you?” “Shanghai” She says, “And you?”
“Guess,” I teased.
“Toronto.”
“Damn, what gave it away?”
She smirked. “You said washroom.”
I got her number that evening and asked her out the next day.
Recently, I was at a friends party with her, my friend asked me how we met. I told him this story. After I finish, I look at her and say, “She’s the best birthday present ever.”
I’m leaving her apartment. We just broke up. Even though it’s night, I put on my sunglasses to hide my red, puffy eyes.
I look at my phone background one more time, a photo booth picture we took together. I change it to one of the generic defaults.
The next morning, I walk around my neighbourhood. I pass by the Taiwanese restaurant where we had our first date. Then I walk to Domino Park and see the bench where we had our first kiss. I sit in the exact same spot, by myself, looking over at the Manhattan Skyline that we once looked at together.
I tell some of my friends what happened. They say they’ll come over tonight.
Everywhere I look, everywhere I go, there are reminders of her. At home, I’m watching Hunter x Hunter to get my mind off of her, and then on the carpet, I see a strand of long hair with a red tinge to it. I hold it in between my fingers — a strand of her hair.
Later that evening, my friends are over at my apartment.
“Losing someone you love sucks,” I tell them.
My friend brings up a scene from Avatar: The Last Airbender where Aang learns to open his gates. His guru teaches him about the heart chakra.
“It deals with love and it’s blocked by grief. Lay all your grief out in front of you.”
Aang closes his eyes. He pictures his friends, his family, his teachers. They begin to disappear one by one. As a child, his entire nation was wiped out.
The guru explains:
“You have indeed felt a great loss.
But love is a form of energy, and it swirls all around us.
The Air Nomads love for you has not left this world.
It is still inside your heart and is reborn in the form of new love.”
Afterwards, we go to High Lua, then walk over to Ace’s Pizza. By the time we finish our pizza, I’m stuffed. I look around the table. I’m eating my favourite foods with some of my closest friends.
I hear the guru’s words in my head, “Her love for you has not left this world. It’s still inside your heart, and is reborn in the form of new love.”
I smile in peaceful satisfaction. I can already feel the love flowing back.
It's odd how once beautiful and cherished memories can turn, in a mere instant, to bitter ones, their recalling now painful, causing one clutch one's insides as if hoping that feeling might be whisked away, removed whole, if only you clawed hard enough.
Really love the writing on this one. Anyway, at least she didn't turn into the moon
Sorry to hear. But you are so right that love transcends just a relationship and is all around us - something I learned too. This will only allow us to love better.
As Tennyson had said "better to have loved and lost. Than never to have loved at all." So, we choose love each time. Keep loving and living!